So I Am Supposed To Be Thankful?

Yesterday was not a great day.  I was beginning to wonder if the warm fuzzies of Thanksgiving passed me by this year. I hate days like that.  I wake up with a smile on my face ready to face the day and within five minutes I want nothing more than to crawl back in the bed.  Here is how it went....

--I was out of coffee and had to walk all the way downstairs to get a new container from the deep freezer.  Normally this isn't a big deal, but I just wasn't awake yet.

--I stood outside with the puppy in the rain only to have him go to the bathroom in the house about five minutes after we came inside.  Another day of keeping the steam cleaner on hand.  Did I really say yes to a puppy?  

--The first words out of Anna's mouth when I woke her up were "My stomach hurts".  

--It took 3 times to wake Brooke up.  This is not unusual, but some days, more irritating than others.  This particular day I was wishing I had a bull horn.  Or maybe a bucket of ice water......

--Benjamin decided to come to breakfast naked.  Nobody wants to see that first thing in the morning even on a good day.  

--Finally got them out the door and safely on the bus only to turn around and see that the puppy has gone to the bathroom again.  Seriously?  I need a bus to come by and pick up the puppy too.  

--After I cleaned that mess up I started doing my usual walking through the house and picking up after my family.  I found myself thinking a variety of not so nice thoughts.... "Do THESE PEOPLE not have any respect?  Cereal bowls and milk still on the table.  Socks (including Jason's) and pajamas in various locations throughout the house.  Am I asking that much that they clean up after themselves?  Do they even notice how hard I work for them?" 

--Around 11 I headed to Kroger thinking by going on Monday I would beat the Thanksgiving crowds.  Wrong.  The parking lot was packed so I turned around and headed to Zaxby's.  I was going to need more strength than I thought to tackle Kroger. I ate lunch in the Kroger parking lot and noticed people had a weary looks on their faces as they loaded groceries into their cars. Maybe we didn't need groceries after all.  

--In I go. Coupons organized, list ready....even had my pen behind my ear.  It was probably a bad sign when I just about got run over as I was picking out apples.  Then the same lady showed up again when I was picking out onions. Again, I must have been invisible because she almost ran over me.  Not like there was a shortage of onions.  It was beginning to feel like a Walmart black Friday sale in the produce section.  I resisted my usual urge to say something. 
 

--Wish I could say it got better after that, but I can't.  They were out of Parkay, eggs, half and half and buttermilk.  Guess I will also be going to Food Lion.  Great.

--Returned home with enough time to unload groceries, take the dogs out and check in with the girl who takes care of Mom on Mondays before heading out to an appointment with Ben's pediatrician.  

--Today was the day Ben would be starting medication for ADHD.  Not really where I imagined I would be with Ben.  There is a lot more to this....but let's just say it makes my heart hurt.  

So, that was most of my day.  So much for a spirit of thankfulness. Maybe I can skip Thanksgiving.  

Well....maybe not.

The REAL truth is I have nothing to complain about and everything to be thankful for.  I am so endlessly lucky.

--I didn't mind going down to get the coffee....I am thankful we were able to buy the new deep freezer this year.

--The puppy....well he is so darn cute I can't really get mad at him.  Besides, that's why we have a steam cleaner in the first place.  Life is full of little messes.  

--Anna felt better after she had been up a few minutes and went on to school.  No crisis there, and I was thankful she felt better.  I sent a note for her teacher just in case!

--Waking Brooke up....I wouldn't really use ice water.  Besides, it used to take 4 times to get her up!

--The lady in Kroger.  The truth is I smiled at her and commented on how busy the store was today.  Wasn't until the onions that we realized we knew each other.  We talked for a couple of minutes about her grandchildren and how my parents were getting along.  It was good to see her!

--Ben and the ADHD diagnosis is a big hurdle for me, but he has a terrific doctor who answered all of my crazy questions and reassured me that Ben would be o.k.  It is a team effort and if this helps him learn then it is a good thing.  He made me feel better. It is also good to feel like we may finally have answers.   
 

--Last but not least.  My family.  Yes, they leave their stuff everywhere and it is quite possible they believe a fairy comes along and picks it all up because they certainly don't seem to notice me doing it.  But what if I didn't have them to pick up after?  The world would be an awfully lonely place without them.  They don't just raise my blood pressure.....they cause my heart to keep beating in the first place.   

So it isn't that I have to be thankful because it is Thanksgiving but instead a belief that the feelings of Thanksgiving can happen every day we are on this earth.  Some days we just have to look harder for them than others.  

Happy Thanksgiving!  

You Raise Me Up

Just Write D-U-M-B Across My Forehead

Today was a day that Ashley and I had planned for and coordinated for a couple of weeks. Well....ok....I had been doing most of the planning because I am a Type A and Ashley had been letting me because she is definitely not a Type A.  At any rate, Ashley moved into her first "all by herself" apartment today and I of course was there to help her.  We had already had a huge shopping trip to buy a lot of what she would need like a vacuum cleaner, new kitchen utensils and small appliances. Everything was in place....cable guy coming between 10-2, KU turned on today, and my neighbor's sons made the trip to Lexington to help with the "labor".  I even planned for my usual stop at Starbucks on the way.  

So we managed to get the first load unloaded quickly and Ashley, Will, and Mike headed across town to load up the rest of Ashley's stuff.  Ben and I stayed behind to unpack her kitchen and do some cleaning.  I was determined to have the kitchen in shape before they got back.  With Ben's help, I actually accomplished this rather quickly.  

While I was waiting, I thought I would start on the bedroom.  First on the list was to unpack a new lamp.  Here is where the trouble started.  You know, why do they put those darn unbreakable zip ties around the cords?  Frustrated, I decided to use a paring knife since Ashley did not have scissors.  Better yet, it was a brand new, just out of the box, paring knife. D-U-M-B.  D-U-M-B.  D-U-M-B.  When an paring knife slices through you index finger at the joint....it causes a lot of damage.  Mind you, I didn't feel it slice through my finger, but I had no problem seeing the blood spurt out of my finger.  

I dunked my hand in the dish water and told Ben I had a problem. 

"Wow Mom! Is that blood?"   

"Yes Ben.  See if you can find me a band-aid."  

"Where am I supposed to find a band-aid?" (smart boy...everything is in boxes)  "Gosh that is a lot of blood Mom."

"Ben, I think I have a problem.  I am going to need help."

Ben got kind of quiet.  I tried at that point to form the words to explain to him how to unlock my cell and call 911.  The words weren't coming.  I realized it wasn't going to be long before I passed out.  All I could think about though, was what would Ben do.  What if he tried to go find help and got lost?  Or worse, someone took him.  I had heard a terrible story about a little boy in New York this week who got lost then abducted and then found murdered. Geez, how do I create these messes?  

I made it to the wall across from the front door, propped it open with my foot, and sent Ben to the apartment right across from Ashley's.  I could see their door and I am sure it was quite a site when they opened it and saw Ben's little face then looked across at me.  They called 911 and stayed with me until they arrived.  By now I was laying down on the floor and Ben was sitting right next to me.  

They arrived and determined that I would need stitches and then gave me the choice of riding with them to the hospital or going to Urgent Treatment within the hour.  They were very nice.  I kept apologizing for calling them, and explained that I was worried what would happen to Ben more than myself.  They said I had made the right choice, but I still felt bad for causing the trouble.  One of the guys called Ashley for me so that she wouldn't be alarmed when she pulled in and there was a fire truck and ambulance in front of her apartment.  

In the end, I only needed  3 stitches, not the 5 or 6 originally thought.  Ben thinks they are cool. We also were able to get Ashley's apartment 90% unpacked before I headed back to Danville to pick up the girls.  Ashley now has something to really tease me about and Ben has an interesting story.  

I realized though, that I had been waiting for Ben to be "old enough" for me to explain what to do in an emergency.  That was a mistake and it is a mistake that alarms me.  The very thing I was fearing in the moment could have been a non issue if I had already taught him to use my phone and dial 911.  He knows now.  

Heartbreak and Hope

Sometimes the unexpected happens.

A few weeks ago my Dad told me he had given my phone number to one of mom's former students.  He couldn't quite remember her name but he knew she had visited them, sent them cards at Christmas, and called them several times over the years. Odd, I thought that she would want to talk to me, but ok.  He said he thought she probably wanted to ask how mom was doing. 

Within a few days I discovered a message from a lady named Fern.  She explained in the message that she really wanted me to contact her and that it was really important.  She left her number.  

Honestly, something seemed strange so I put off calling her for over a week.  Then I decided I was acting childish and went ahead and returned her call.  What happened next was unexpected and heartbreaking and I know it will stay with me for a long time to come.  

The conversation started quite normally even though I could sense a nervousness in Fern's voice.  She asked about Mom's health and how long they had been living with me.  She talked about how she had visited my parents and kept up with them over the years.  Then, she asked about my brother. She called him by name and said she remembered that they had adopted him when they lived in Russell Springs.  I thought....oh no....what has he done now.  He is a destructive force, but one of Mom's former students?  I braced myself and about the time I started to say "What has he done now" out loud, the conversation totally changed gears.  Fern said she had better tell me why she had called.  She wanted to tell me her story.


Fern was the youngest of nine children and they grew up in Russell Springs, Kentucky.  They were dirt poor, but her parents had done the best they could to take care of them.  Her mother and father had both passed away young, so really Fern had taken care of herself.  When she was fourteen she was raped by a family member and as a result became pregnant.  This had happened in the spring of 1961 and she went on to explain that back then there weren't a lot of options for poor unwed mothers and so she kept the pregnancy to herself for as long as she could.  That fall she began her freshman year at Russell Springs High School.  This is where my mother came into the picture.  Somehow my mother realized Fern was pregnant.  Fern says from then on my Mom saved her.  Mom encouraged her to stay in school and helped her realize she could give the child up for adoption.  Mom introduced her to the social worker who ended up handling the adoption.  Her baby, a boy, was born in December of 1961.  I suddenly felt pain for this woman because I knew where the conversation was going next. 

Fern explained that she had kept up with my parents and my brother over the years because she felt that Eric was her son.  Now that she was getting on in years and my mother couldn't remember her anymore she wanted to talk to me about Eric.  She thought Eric was her son. 

I had a moment where I realized I could let Fern keep on thinking that Eric was her son to save her the heartache.  I also realized just as quickly how wrong that would be...even if the truth was painful.   

I stopped her story and gently explained that Eric was not hers.  He had been born in April of 1962 in Ashland, Kentucky.  I also explained to her that I had found Eric's mother several years ago and that she lives in Georgia.  Suddenly it was very quiet on the other end of the phone.  I didn't say anything.  I just waited.  

Finally she explained that the reason she had thought that Eric was hers all of these years was because after the social worker would see her at the school, she would often go to Mom's classroom to see Mom. She didn't know why at the time the social worker was visiting with my parents, but after the announcement of my brother's adoption came out, she had made the connection to her baby because of the social worker.  It had never crossed her mind that it could be mere coincidence.

My heart broke for Fern.  Can you imagine?  All these years.  I understood her story more than most would.  I also knew from conversations with my birth mother, how painful the not knowing where I was or if I was safe had been for her over the years.  Fern had spent the last 49 years following from a distance the life of a child she thought was hers.  She had taken comfort in knowing he had a good home and more secure about her choice because of that.  

I felt I had taken the wind out of her sails, but we talked for a bit longer.  In the course of that conversation I told her about my own search for my birth mother and my search for Eric's birth mother. I told her if she wanted she could send me copies of all the information she had and I would see what I could do. I explained not to put a whole lot of hope in my efforts and that while finding Eric's had been quick, my search had taken 17 years. 

I wasn't sure I would hear from her again, but a couple of days ago I got a rather large envelope in the mail from her.  Inside were copies of everything she had about her son, whose name had been Leroy, including the letter she had written to him that was added to her state record many years ago in case he ever searched for her.  There was also a very sweet note thanking me for the conversation even though it was difficult and for offering to help her. 

I am not sure what I have gotten myself into or if I will have any luck at all.  What I do know though, is that if there is the slightest chance I can help mend a stranger's broken heart, I have to try.  

We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through.
--- Unknown

   

 

This and That

A few days ago I discovered that someone in my household downloaded a book to my Nook.  This irritates me because there are very few...well maybe not any places in my house, that little hands don't find their way into.  Of course leave it Jason to point out the obvious- I gave them my password.  Ok, so it is my fault, but I was still irritated and was about to go wake the angels from their peaceful sleep to preach to them about respecting my stuff when I read the title of the book. "100 Quotes to Make You Think" by Wolfgang Riebe.  Hum....these kids may know me better than I think!  I guess I won't fuss at them after all. 


Since I seem to have no theme to my blog, really just whatever randomness has popped into my head, I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes from this book.  


-Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.  

-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.  

-If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito!

-A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!

-It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. 

-When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.  (THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE)

-I have learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. 

-Take twice as long to eat half as much.

-Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. 


-Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

When you know you know.....you know......understand?

This has been one of those weeks when I can't seem to get through a day without doing or saying something idiotic.  A week when my mouth has often been ahead of my brain.  All week I had been wondering what was wrong....hormonal imbalance, wrong phase of the moon.  I needed an excuse for my stupidity.  


Thursday, I had almost made it through the entire day without making a fool of myself.  Almost.  In fact I got a lot accomplished early in the day because I knew my afternoon would be full taking the girls for camp and 6th grade physicals.  The visit started out as nothing unusual...sign in, make sure nothing has changed with insurance then have a seat in the waiting room.  We didn't even have to wait but a minute or two which was a relief.   Then it all went downhill.


I knew already that since Brooke was there for her 6th grade physical she would be needing shots.  Anna was going to have a 4-H camp physical and she would not need shots.  The first thing the nurse said to me was that since they didn't have Brooke's shot records there at the office, they wouldn't be able to fill out her immunization record today.  WHAT?  Maybe I heard her incorrectly. She said that the first time they had been to that office was in 2008.  I said that couldn't be accurate.  She said they had looked for the records and there weren't any before that time and there wasn't an immunization certificate for either girl. She even said to me that they don't keep hard copies of doctor visit records.  That they only keep important things like shot records.  I suddenly felt quite unnerved.  These are my children's medical histories that have traveled with them through the years.  I depend on knowing where those records are in case they are ever needed and suddenly I didn't know where they were. What did she mean "they don't keep them"? 


When you know you know something is true and someone is telling you it isn't, it is a frustrating feeling.  To make it worse they were truly acting like I was crazy.  I wasn't rude at all, but I was insistent that the records were there.  They did find records for Ben and Ashley going back to early 2006.  Yet, when I said that Brooke and Anna's records were there also because it wouldn't make sense that I would bring my oldest and youngest child, but not the 2 in the middle, they gave me a look like they truly pitied my stupidity. 

They said they would go downstairs and look one more time.  They didn't find the records, but they did bring up Ben's immunization record so they could show me that he had his first shots in Richmond (we lived in Richmond until October of 2005) and maybe that is where the missing records were.  At this point I just gave up and said maybe they were right.  I apologized that I couldn't remember things correctly and for asking them to look again for the records. Perfect.  Another day this week when I am feeling like a fool.  I spend a lot of time around someone with dementia...starting to know how she feels.  


I went home and tried to put it out of my head but I couldn't.  Then it dawned on me that the best place to figure this out was the billing department of the doctor's office.  Billing departments never lose any paperwork.  


So this morning I gave them a call and explained the situation as succinctly as possible.  Took less than a minute for her to tell me that the first time Brooke had been seen in their office was January 2006.  In fact all of my kids were seen there in 2006.  Thank you....I am not crazy after all.  She also said she would have them check again for their records and call me back if she found them. Would you believe when she called me back she said the records were right where they should have been for both girls.  They weren't even out of alphabetical order.  Oh, and in that folder of records.....IMMUNIZATION CERTIFICATES and the form I had filled out in 2006 requesting records from Richmond be sent to Danville.  I have decided there must be two basements and the nurse from Thursday night had gone to the wrong one. 


When you know you know something......you know it....period. Oh, and finding out today that I didn't make a fool out of myself after all helped me make it through the rest of my Friday craziness free. 

Interesting Friday

This past Friday I went to Lexington to go apartment hunting with Ashley.  She is going to be getting her first "big girl" (as she called it) apartment in May.  This will be the first time she lives without roommates and she is excited about it.  I must say, that I am excited about this too because the place she lives in now leaves a lot to be desired, at least from a mother's point of view.  I will be glad when she is out of there! 

On the way to Lexington I kept getting a call from a Michigan number. I don't know anyone with a Michigan number so I decided not to answer it.  Whoever it was kept calling over and over until I finally gave in and answered.  It was Ashley calling on a friend's phone.  Instinctively I knew we had some sort of problem if she wasn't calling on her phone.  I was right.  Her purse had been stolen the night before.  That meant her bank card, phone, and house keys were gone.  Apparently she was at Redmonds the night before with some friends and turned her back on her purse for just a minute. 

So, after we went to look at apartments, we headed to the Sprint store.  Here is where my story gets interesting.  I was about to have an experience that left me wondering if I should feel really old or....well, I wasn't  sure what to feel.

As we were sitting there waiting for our customer service lady to set up Ashley's new phone, another customer service guy walked over.  I would guess he was about 25 and relatively nice looking.  He looked at me and he said, "I don't want you to take what I am about to say the wrong way...(I felt a little panic.  Had I done something embarrassing I wasn't aware of?) but you have the most beautiful blue eyes."  Huh?  I just kind of looked at him.  I had never been told this before.  Then his purpose flashed across my brain.  I said, "Thanks, but Ashley here is the one with the beautiful eyes."  He said, "Well, I do see the similarity."  Then he talked to her for a bit.  
 

Did that just happen? That was the smoothest "man move" I have ever seen.  He used the mother to get to the daughter.  Ashley didn't even pick up on it until I explained it to her later.  So I left the Sprint store not really knowing how I should feel.  Proud on one hand that this guy obviously thought Ashley was a beautiful girl with startling blue eyes.....on the other hand, strangely sad that the 25 year old guy probably didn't think these 42 year old eyes were that great after all.  Ashley's response to the whole thing...."Geez Mom, he was completely bald."  

  

It's The Little Things

 This picture was taken on our trip to Chicago.  We had walked about 3 miles and Ben

was getting tired so Ashley told him to hop on.  To me it was a special "little moment".

Fancy Pants Designs, my favorite scrapbooking company, recently put out a line of products called "It's The Little Things".  I usually want every product the company puts out, but I practice some, not a lot, but some self control.  This time I knew I had to have the entire collection.  I loved the retro colors in the papers and embellishments and the qoutes and sayings were great too.  What really drew me to the collection though was the name itself....little things. 

I have always been aware of small moments of importance and how something so seemingly small to one, can be extremely meaningful to another.  I have scrapbooked for years and any scrapbooker will tell you that the whole point is to freeze little moments in a creative way.  Scrapbookers spend hours attending to small details.  Yet in the midst of capturing all of these little moments, I discovered I had been missing the big picture.  


This time last year, I was in the first true depression I had ever been in.  I had never been like this before. In fact, I never could understand how people got so depressed in the first place.  Stuff happens and you pick yourself up, brush it off and go on.  I was too strong for that....so I thought.  I thought I had been preparing myself for my job loss months in advance. We had been told early on that there would be losses and I knew I would be one of them.  So I made jokes about it and talked about it.  I really thought that the more I got it out of me, the easier it would be.  I was wrong.  I hit the bottom so fast I don't even fully remember the trip down.  Oh, I functioned enough to go to work every day but I was a zombie at home.  My family would be talking, but I didn't hear a thing.  I would cry without warning and be unable to stop.  I started to wonder how I could get out of this life because I didn't want to be here anymore.  I couldn't get it off my mind.  I was miserable and I don't doubt that I made everyone else around me miserable too. All I could see was that a dream was gone and I was too tired to chase another one.  


This went on for weeks, then one night, one of those nights when I couldn't stop crying, my husband did something I will never forget.  He laid down beside me and put his arms around me.  He didn't say a word, he just held me.  He doesn't know this, but it was those moments that saved me.  Someone was there for me.  Of course I had been so self absorbed that I had missed the fact that he, and others, had been there all along.  Jason probably thought this was just a "little thing" he was doing, but it was huge.  


I began to slowly change my thoughts and it wasn't easy.  I started to make myself notice the little things and tell myself how thankful I was for them.  I had a ritual of sorts.  Each morning when I opened my eyes I would say to myself how glad I was to have such a warm quilt on my bed.  Or maybe I would tell myself how glad I was to have such a great toothbrush.  It didn't matter how mundane or silly it all sounded, I just started being thankful for every little thing around me.  It worked.

By about the second week in June, I knew without a doubt that I was going to be ok.  I wasn't going anywhere if I could help it.  I knew I still had a ways to go because there was anger and pain yet to work through, but I knew I could do it now.  Life was suddenly more worth living that it had been in a long time.A year later I am still not quite sure where life is taking me, but I know I want to be here for the journey.

This past Friday I ran into a girl who had done some of her practicum work at the school where I taught.  She had since graduated and gotten a teaching job.  A few weeks ago she had been pink slipped.  She and I talked for quite a while and she said how glad she was to have run into me.  She said no one understands what this is like unless they have been there.  I told her she was absolutely right, it feels like a dream was crushed.  Then I told her my "little things" story.  I told her the next few weeks were going to be tough. When she is sitting in those faculty meetings as they plan for next year or looking at her son wondering how she is going to put food on the table just start looking around for little things to be thankful for.  I said she may not see them at first, but they are there and they will save her and give her more reasons than she realizes to move forward.