In August of 2010, Dad and I were leaving the hospital where we had been visiting my mother. She had fallen several days before and broken her knee. We both knew it was more than a broken knee. She was about to be moved to the nursing home for extended stay rehab. Although he didn't say it, Dad knew that Mom would probably not be coming back home ever again. He cried every time he visited her. He cried each time on the way home, and I have no doubt there were many tears shed as he sat alone in his assisted living apartment.
The day she was moved from the hospital to the nursing home he finally said the words he had been avoiding. "Mom won't be coming home. I won't be able to take care of her anymore." He started to cry. In that moment, I said the first of two statements that would forever change my entire family..."You know Dad, you can always come home with us." He cried harder and then finally managed to say he needed to hear that.
He came home about 3 weeks later and settled into the routine of life with my family. There were many visits back and forth to visit Mom in the nursing home. These, as would be expected were difficult visits for Dad. Difficult for me too, but mainly because I was the one who got the rundown about how she was behaving (not cooperating with therapy, not wanting to leave her room) and how they couldn't get her to eat. I started to dread going to see her as much as he did, just for different reasons.
So it happened, as it is with my sometimes impulsive nature, I uttered the second statement that would once again change everything. "Dad, I think we should bring Mom home."
That was sixteen months ago. In the beginning I didn't know most days whether to laugh or cry. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do this. During those first days and weeks, she screamed at me, was uncooperative, and hit me more than once. I found myself thinking....elder abuse? What about caregiver abuse? Then it hit me...I am in charge here and I don't have to be treated this way. So one night when she started to throw a glass at me, I took it abruptly from her hand. She reached out and hit me. I tapped her back, not hard, but to make a point. She hit me again. I tapped her again. She kicked me. I lightly kicked her back. Then I looked at her and asked her how long we were going to do this. She looked at me like she had something good to say, but instead shook her head. We haven't had a problem since.
It is day in and day out the same routine....if we are lucky. Change in routine usually means someone is sick. I have said to friends that life here is like the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again. They eat the same breakfast and lunch everyday. They get up and go to bed at the same time each day. Mom says the exact same thing to me every morning when she wakes up. I have started to find myself dreading growing old. I have never feared aging before, but now I do.
I come face to face with the future on a daily basis. Scary stuff. My Dad is 93 and he can't hear even with hearing aids. He can't see due to macular degeneration. Mom, in the late stages of dementia, no longer consistently knows who we are, or who Dad is, and except for feeding herself, is completely dependent on someone else to care for her. She sleeps probably 18 out of 24 hours and Dad is not far behind with his sleep.
I finally realized that the only way I was going to make it through caring for my parents without becoming depressed by the sadness of life's cycle, was to start finding the humor. It is laugh or lose my mind. Let me tell you, some funny stuff goes on here. It is all about perspective. Now I realize that some reading this may find what I am about to say offensive. For that I apologize. I know how terrible dementia is. I also see that in some ways it is an odd sort of gift. She doesn't have to be aware of growing old the way that my dad does. She is unaware of time and age. She doesn't really know that she can't walk anymore or care for herself. She is stuck in happy times. She is not suffering. Mom as she once was is already gone. My job now, truthfully, is to see to it that she has a dignified death. Laughing about it along the way is a great coping mechanism for all of us. Like I said it is all about perspective...
Here are a few of our funny moments....
--The day we picked Mom up bring her home from the nursing home she ran down this list in her head of all of the stuff in her room that she needed to take with her. I agreed with her and told her Jason was on his way to pick everything up and take it to the house. She looked at Dad and said, "Well, they are just making out like bandits." I think she thought we were stealing her stuff.
--The other day, my Dad had been to a NARFE meeting at Mallard's. When he came in, Mom and I were in the bathroom. He came to the door to see where Mom was. When she saw him, she said, "Oh good, my Daddy's home." I said, "That isn't your Daddy Mom it's your husband." He started laughing and said it was ok...he wasn't quite sure who he was either.
--Several nights ago, as I was taking Mom to bed, she told me I was going the wrong way. I asked her where she wanted me to go and she pointed toward the garage and said they had been sleeping on a mattress on the floor in there. No Mom, you and Dad sleep in here. She told me I didn't know what I was talking about but she said she would sleep in the bedroom...this time. The next morning she told Dad she really liked that bed. That it was better than the mattress on the floor. He looked at me, then at her and back at me. I shrugged my shoulders. He chuckled, reached over and rubbed her hand.
--Mom asked me the other day when the renovations on our house would be done. When were we moving was what she wanted to know. I said I hadn't been doing in renovations that maybe she was thinking about the girl who takes care of her on my days off. She said no, it was me. I was moving. I just kind of dropped it and went on. That night after Brooke had given them their dinner she came up and said that Mama was asking her about renovations and when we would be moving. Brooke told her we weren't moving, that we all lived in this house together. Mom's response was to tell her to be sure and clean up our mess when we left. (I think she wants to get rid of us!!!)
--They were watching a UK ballgame and I happened to be downstairs folding laundry. I heard Dad ask mom what it said on the bottom of the screen. (the ticker of announcements/news that runs across the bottom of the screen) She read it out loud to him. Then after about thirty seconds, she read it again. Then again and again. By the time I came out of the laundry room she had read it about six times and Dad was sitting with his head in his hands. I didn't say anything and headed up the stairs. Half way up, I heard her reading it again.
--I take Mom to the bathroom several times throughout the day. Once I get her situated, I try to give her privacy, but remain close so I can make sure she doesn't try to get up on her own and fall. I came into the room and asked if she was ready to get up. She responded by saying, "No. I was in full bloom when you walked into the room." I am still trying to figure that one out.
--I have to be careful at night when I go down to put Mom to bed. She and Dad have usually been snacking throughout the evening, but Dad doesn't pay any attention to what Mom does with her wrappers or food portions that she doesn't eat. The other night she reached out her hand and told me to throw that away. It felt warm and mushy and I was afraid to look. She had chewed all of the juice out of orange pieces and then spit the pulp out in her hand. That was gross. She also sits on unwrapped chocolate bars to save them for later. Dementia and saving a candy bar for later don't go together very well.
There have been many of these moments. Moments where I have to stop myself from laughing out loud. I can't predict how the next months or years are going to go even though I know how they will end. Between now and then I will find the funny moments and hang on tight.
October, 2012
October 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Reflection
A friend of mine pointed out today that I hadn't written anything on my blog in a while and suggested that I should really write about all of the humorous stuff that goes on when you live with and take care of aging parents. She is right, there is a lot I could say about that topic so I started planning out this blog entry in my head. I didn't get far before I got stuck. This is not because I don't have a lot of material to choose from. Believe me--there is plenty, but my thoughts kept being interrupted by thoughts of my husband. So I am going to take a risk and instead talk to you about Jason. Because as all wives know....our husbands provide all sorts of great story material also!
I know what you are thinking already. You are thinking that I might be getting ready to complain about all of things Jason does to annoy me. All of the juicy (ok, juicy might be pushing it a little) details of my marriage and family. Not at all. Instead I want to tell you about risks, hope, growth, and love. Hum....sounds like a love story. Laura and Jason? Well....
First, the risk.
Thirteen years ago I was a single mother working three jobs. I was a part time secretary for a church, I cleaned houses and offices, and I worked as a cashier at Food Lion. I was happy. Ashley was happy. Our life went along rather smoothly in fact. Although I wasn't against the idea of dating and finding the "love of my life", I hadn't had a lot of luck in that area so it wasn't something I spent a lot of time thinking about.
I met Jason at Food Lion where he worked too. He had been there a year or two and to him I was probably just another cashier. I don't think he gave me a lot of thought. Truthfully, I didn't give him a lot of thought either. The more I worked with him though, the more I started to think about him. What did it for me was how he would laugh AT me. Yes, that's right...AT me. Not at my wonderful wit and charm....at my stupidity. My blonde moments. I am not sure what that says about my self esteem that I liked being laughed at, but I did. Not by everyone, just Jason. So it began. The relationship that no one thought would last.
We were more of a "what are they thinking" kind of couple. Jason, you see, was 10 years younger. So if I was being honest...I would have to admit I asked myself that same question on more than one occasion. Yet, just as it would remain over the next thirteen years, there was something there that told me to follow my heart and not my brain. I took the biggest risk I had ever taken in my life. I jumped in with both feet.
Hope
Our first daughter together, Brooke, was born 20 months after we first met. Followed 14 months later by Anna. At this point, Jason and I had already experienced many moments that made me think all of those people who said we didn't know what we were doing were right. I didn't think we would make it. I spent more time mad at him than I did liking him ...and although he has never said it, I am sure he felt the same way about me. By this point Jason was a truck driver and gone more than he was home. When he did come home, we spent a lot of that time mad. I could give those "juicy" details now to paint a clearer picture, but it wouldn't do any good. Trust me, it was a bad cycle we were in. Yet that risk I had taken in the beginning to me was based on hope. Every time we would have an argument and I would think about leaving, it was hope that kept me there. It wasn't as if we didn't have any good times, we did. A lot of great memories. I loved this man and we could do it. So I would keep trying to make things change. I think back now and realize my main thought was that I hoped I could change HIM. After all, the way I saw it, everything was his fault. I am perfect, right?
Growth and Love
In 2004, I was pregnant again. This is not what I wanted. That sounds bad to say those words, because I love our son more than life itself, but at the time, having a fourth child was not a good idea. Partly because I had been told by my doctor not to have any more children, and partly because Jason and I were still struggling. Of course there are always those times when you bring a new life into the world where everything seems blissful and right. We had those times when Ben was born just as we had with our other children. Wouldn't take long though and all of the old problems would be back.
I decided it had to end. HE was never going to change. I started planning my way out. I went back to school and got my degree. I got a job right after graduation. I worked hard. Then, I lost that job. Suddenly, my world turned upside down. I wanted to die.
Jason picked me up. Jason. This man I had discounted all of these years. The one I had blamed everything on made me feel I had a reason to live.
Sometimes we have light bulb moments. I had one of those. Maybe all of these years, it hadn't been all his fault. Maybe I had gotten so caught up in myself and seeing things my way and having things my way that I hadn't seen the truth. I was so busy trying to make him into the man I thought I wanted him to be, I didn't see the man he was all along. In all of those years I had forgotten to look into his eyes and see that HE loved ME. Now I could see it very clearly. It was the same look I had seen in the beginning. Deep in his eyes he looked at me the way no one else had. That was why the risk had been so worth taking in the beginning. Humbling times for me. The way I had treated him at times. The way we had treated each other. I am surprised looking back that he didn't leave me.
This Wednesday, February 1st, is our 10th wedding anniversary. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Thirteen years together and ten officially. We are doing what no one thought we could do. I am so lucky to have Jason. Lucky to have someone put up with me while I have grown up. Lucky to have a person in this world who knows and puts up with all of my quirks and faults and still loves me like I am the most important person in the world. I can no longer picture a world without him and while we will never be a perfect couple, that is ok too. It is ok because individually, we are not perfect people.
Oh, and the way he used to laugh AT me...he still does that and I still love it.
Since I know you will be reading this Jason...I love you and I hope there are many years of laughing at each other ahead! Happy Anniversary!
I know what you are thinking already. You are thinking that I might be getting ready to complain about all of things Jason does to annoy me. All of the juicy (ok, juicy might be pushing it a little) details of my marriage and family. Not at all. Instead I want to tell you about risks, hope, growth, and love. Hum....sounds like a love story. Laura and Jason? Well....
First, the risk.
Thirteen years ago I was a single mother working three jobs. I was a part time secretary for a church, I cleaned houses and offices, and I worked as a cashier at Food Lion. I was happy. Ashley was happy. Our life went along rather smoothly in fact. Although I wasn't against the idea of dating and finding the "love of my life", I hadn't had a lot of luck in that area so it wasn't something I spent a lot of time thinking about.
I met Jason at Food Lion where he worked too. He had been there a year or two and to him I was probably just another cashier. I don't think he gave me a lot of thought. Truthfully, I didn't give him a lot of thought either. The more I worked with him though, the more I started to think about him. What did it for me was how he would laugh AT me. Yes, that's right...AT me. Not at my wonderful wit and charm....at my stupidity. My blonde moments. I am not sure what that says about my self esteem that I liked being laughed at, but I did. Not by everyone, just Jason. So it began. The relationship that no one thought would last.
We were more of a "what are they thinking" kind of couple. Jason, you see, was 10 years younger. So if I was being honest...I would have to admit I asked myself that same question on more than one occasion. Yet, just as it would remain over the next thirteen years, there was something there that told me to follow my heart and not my brain. I took the biggest risk I had ever taken in my life. I jumped in with both feet.
Hope
Our first daughter together, Brooke, was born 20 months after we first met. Followed 14 months later by Anna. At this point, Jason and I had already experienced many moments that made me think all of those people who said we didn't know what we were doing were right. I didn't think we would make it. I spent more time mad at him than I did liking him ...and although he has never said it, I am sure he felt the same way about me. By this point Jason was a truck driver and gone more than he was home. When he did come home, we spent a lot of that time mad. I could give those "juicy" details now to paint a clearer picture, but it wouldn't do any good. Trust me, it was a bad cycle we were in. Yet that risk I had taken in the beginning to me was based on hope. Every time we would have an argument and I would think about leaving, it was hope that kept me there. It wasn't as if we didn't have any good times, we did. A lot of great memories. I loved this man and we could do it. So I would keep trying to make things change. I think back now and realize my main thought was that I hoped I could change HIM. After all, the way I saw it, everything was his fault. I am perfect, right?
Growth and Love
In 2004, I was pregnant again. This is not what I wanted. That sounds bad to say those words, because I love our son more than life itself, but at the time, having a fourth child was not a good idea. Partly because I had been told by my doctor not to have any more children, and partly because Jason and I were still struggling. Of course there are always those times when you bring a new life into the world where everything seems blissful and right. We had those times when Ben was born just as we had with our other children. Wouldn't take long though and all of the old problems would be back.
I decided it had to end. HE was never going to change. I started planning my way out. I went back to school and got my degree. I got a job right after graduation. I worked hard. Then, I lost that job. Suddenly, my world turned upside down. I wanted to die.
Jason picked me up. Jason. This man I had discounted all of these years. The one I had blamed everything on made me feel I had a reason to live.
Sometimes we have light bulb moments. I had one of those. Maybe all of these years, it hadn't been all his fault. Maybe I had gotten so caught up in myself and seeing things my way and having things my way that I hadn't seen the truth. I was so busy trying to make him into the man I thought I wanted him to be, I didn't see the man he was all along. In all of those years I had forgotten to look into his eyes and see that HE loved ME. Now I could see it very clearly. It was the same look I had seen in the beginning. Deep in his eyes he looked at me the way no one else had. That was why the risk had been so worth taking in the beginning. Humbling times for me. The way I had treated him at times. The way we had treated each other. I am surprised looking back that he didn't leave me.
This Wednesday, February 1st, is our 10th wedding anniversary. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Thirteen years together and ten officially. We are doing what no one thought we could do. I am so lucky to have Jason. Lucky to have someone put up with me while I have grown up. Lucky to have a person in this world who knows and puts up with all of my quirks and faults and still loves me like I am the most important person in the world. I can no longer picture a world without him and while we will never be a perfect couple, that is ok too. It is ok because individually, we are not perfect people.
Oh, and the way he used to laugh AT me...he still does that and I still love it.
Since I know you will be reading this Jason...I love you and I hope there are many years of laughing at each other ahead! Happy Anniversary!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
So I Am Supposed To Be Thankful?
Yesterday was not a great day. I was beginning to wonder if the warm fuzzies of Thanksgiving passed me by this year. I hate days like that. I wake up with a smile on my face ready to face the day and within five minutes I want nothing more than to crawl back in the bed. Here is how it went....
--I was out of coffee and had to walk all the way downstairs to get a new container from the deep freezer. Normally this isn't a big deal, but I just wasn't awake yet.
--I stood outside with the puppy in the rain only to have him go to the bathroom in the house about five minutes after we came inside. Another day of keeping the steam cleaner on hand. Did I really say yes to a puppy?
--The first words out of Anna's mouth when I woke her up were "My stomach hurts".
--It took 3 times to wake Brooke up. This is not unusual, but some days, more irritating than others. This particular day I was wishing I had a bull horn. Or maybe a bucket of ice water......
--Benjamin decided to come to breakfast naked. Nobody wants to see that first thing in the morning even on a good day.
--Finally got them out the door and safely on the bus only to turn around and see that the puppy has gone to the bathroom again. Seriously? I need a bus to come by and pick up the puppy too.
--After I cleaned that mess up I started doing my usual walking through the house and picking up after my family. I found myself thinking a variety of not so nice thoughts.... "Do THESE PEOPLE not have any respect? Cereal bowls and milk still on the table. Socks (including Jason's) and pajamas in various locations throughout the house. Am I asking that much that they clean up after themselves? Do they even notice how hard I work for them?"
--Around 11 I headed to Kroger thinking by going on Monday I would beat the Thanksgiving crowds. Wrong. The parking lot was packed so I turned around and headed to Zaxby's. I was going to need more strength than I thought to tackle Kroger. I ate lunch in the Kroger parking lot and noticed people had a weary looks on their faces as they loaded groceries into their cars. Maybe we didn't need groceries after all.
--In I go. Coupons organized, list ready....even had my pen behind my ear. It was probably a bad sign when I just about got run over as I was picking out apples. Then the same lady showed up again when I was picking out onions. Again, I must have been invisible because she almost ran over me. Not like there was a shortage of onions. It was beginning to feel like a Walmart black Friday sale in the produce section. I resisted my usual urge to say something.
--Wish I could say it got better after that, but I can't. They were out of Parkay, eggs, half and half and buttermilk. Guess I will also be going to Food Lion. Great.
--Returned home with enough time to unload groceries, take the dogs out and check in with the girl who takes care of Mom on Mondays before heading out to an appointment with Ben's pediatrician.
--Today was the day Ben would be starting medication for ADHD. Not really where I imagined I would be with Ben. There is a lot more to this....but let's just say it makes my heart hurt.
So, that was most of my day. So much for a spirit of thankfulness. Maybe I can skip Thanksgiving.
Well....maybe not.
The REAL truth is I have nothing to complain about and everything to be thankful for. I am so endlessly lucky.
--I didn't mind going down to get the coffee....I am thankful we were able to buy the new deep freezer this year.
--The puppy....well he is so darn cute I can't really get mad at him. Besides, that's why we have a steam cleaner in the first place. Life is full of little messes.
--Anna felt better after she had been up a few minutes and went on to school. No crisis there, and I was thankful she felt better. I sent a note for her teacher just in case!
--Waking Brooke up....I wouldn't really use ice water. Besides, it used to take 4 times to get her up!
--The lady in Kroger. The truth is I smiled at her and commented on how busy the store was today. Wasn't until the onions that we realized we knew each other. We talked for a couple of minutes about her grandchildren and how my parents were getting along. It was good to see her!
--Ben and the ADHD diagnosis is a big hurdle for me, but he has a terrific doctor who answered all of my crazy questions and reassured me that Ben would be o.k. It is a team effort and if this helps him learn then it is a good thing. He made me feel better. It is also good to feel like we may finally have answers.
--Last but not least. My family. Yes, they leave their stuff everywhere and it is quite possible they believe a fairy comes along and picks it all up because they certainly don't seem to notice me doing it. But what if I didn't have them to pick up after? The world would be an awfully lonely place without them. They don't just raise my blood pressure.....they cause my heart to keep beating in the first place.
So it isn't that I have to be thankful because it is Thanksgiving but instead a belief that the feelings of Thanksgiving can happen every day we are on this earth. Some days we just have to look harder for them than others.
Happy Thanksgiving!
You Raise Me Up
Friday, July 15, 2011
Just Write D-U-M-B Across My Forehead
Today was a day that Ashley and I had planned for and coordinated for a couple of weeks. Well....ok....I had been doing most of the planning because I am a Type A and Ashley had been letting me because she is definitely not a Type A. At any rate, Ashley moved into her first "all by herself" apartment today and I of course was there to help her. We had already had a huge shopping trip to buy a lot of what she would need like a vacuum cleaner, new kitchen utensils and small appliances. Everything was in place....cable guy coming between 10-2, KU turned on today, and my neighbor's sons made the trip to Lexington to help with the "labor". I even planned for my usual stop at Starbucks on the way.
So we managed to get the first load unloaded quickly and Ashley, Will, and Mike headed across town to load up the rest of Ashley's stuff. Ben and I stayed behind to unpack her kitchen and do some cleaning. I was determined to have the kitchen in shape before they got back. With Ben's help, I actually accomplished this rather quickly.
While I was waiting, I thought I would start on the bedroom. First on the list was to unpack a new lamp. Here is where the trouble started. You know, why do they put those darn unbreakable zip ties around the cords? Frustrated, I decided to use a paring knife since Ashley did not have scissors. Better yet, it was a brand new, just out of the box, paring knife. D-U-M-B. D-U-M-B. D-U-M-B. When an paring knife slices through you index finger at the joint....it causes a lot of damage. Mind you, I didn't feel it slice through my finger, but I had no problem seeing the blood spurt out of my finger.
I dunked my hand in the dish water and told Ben I had a problem.
"Wow Mom! Is that blood?"
"Yes Ben. See if you can find me a band-aid."
"Where am I supposed to find a band-aid?" (smart boy...everything is in boxes) "Gosh that is a lot of blood Mom."
"Ben, I think I have a problem. I am going to need help."
Ben got kind of quiet. I tried at that point to form the words to explain to him how to unlock my cell and call 911. The words weren't coming. I realized it wasn't going to be long before I passed out. All I could think about though, was what would Ben do. What if he tried to go find help and got lost? Or worse, someone took him. I had heard a terrible story about a little boy in New York this week who got lost then abducted and then found murdered. Geez, how do I create these messes?
I made it to the wall across from the front door, propped it open with my foot, and sent Ben to the apartment right across from Ashley's. I could see their door and I am sure it was quite a site when they opened it and saw Ben's little face then looked across at me. They called 911 and stayed with me until they arrived. By now I was laying down on the floor and Ben was sitting right next to me.
They arrived and determined that I would need stitches and then gave me the choice of riding with them to the hospital or going to Urgent Treatment within the hour. They were very nice. I kept apologizing for calling them, and explained that I was worried what would happen to Ben more than myself. They said I had made the right choice, but I still felt bad for causing the trouble. One of the guys called Ashley for me so that she wouldn't be alarmed when she pulled in and there was a fire truck and ambulance in front of her apartment.
In the end, I only needed 3 stitches, not the 5 or 6 originally thought. Ben thinks they are cool. We also were able to get Ashley's apartment 90% unpacked before I headed back to Danville to pick up the girls. Ashley now has something to really tease me about and Ben has an interesting story.
I realized though, that I had been waiting for Ben to be "old enough" for me to explain what to do in an emergency. That was a mistake and it is a mistake that alarms me. The very thing I was fearing in the moment could have been a non issue if I had already taught him to use my phone and dial 911. He knows now.
So we managed to get the first load unloaded quickly and Ashley, Will, and Mike headed across town to load up the rest of Ashley's stuff. Ben and I stayed behind to unpack her kitchen and do some cleaning. I was determined to have the kitchen in shape before they got back. With Ben's help, I actually accomplished this rather quickly.
While I was waiting, I thought I would start on the bedroom. First on the list was to unpack a new lamp. Here is where the trouble started. You know, why do they put those darn unbreakable zip ties around the cords? Frustrated, I decided to use a paring knife since Ashley did not have scissors. Better yet, it was a brand new, just out of the box, paring knife. D-U-M-B. D-U-M-B. D-U-M-B. When an paring knife slices through you index finger at the joint....it causes a lot of damage. Mind you, I didn't feel it slice through my finger, but I had no problem seeing the blood spurt out of my finger.
I dunked my hand in the dish water and told Ben I had a problem.
"Wow Mom! Is that blood?"
"Yes Ben. See if you can find me a band-aid."
"Where am I supposed to find a band-aid?" (smart boy...everything is in boxes) "Gosh that is a lot of blood Mom."
"Ben, I think I have a problem. I am going to need help."
Ben got kind of quiet. I tried at that point to form the words to explain to him how to unlock my cell and call 911. The words weren't coming. I realized it wasn't going to be long before I passed out. All I could think about though, was what would Ben do. What if he tried to go find help and got lost? Or worse, someone took him. I had heard a terrible story about a little boy in New York this week who got lost then abducted and then found murdered. Geez, how do I create these messes?
I made it to the wall across from the front door, propped it open with my foot, and sent Ben to the apartment right across from Ashley's. I could see their door and I am sure it was quite a site when they opened it and saw Ben's little face then looked across at me. They called 911 and stayed with me until they arrived. By now I was laying down on the floor and Ben was sitting right next to me.
They arrived and determined that I would need stitches and then gave me the choice of riding with them to the hospital or going to Urgent Treatment within the hour. They were very nice. I kept apologizing for calling them, and explained that I was worried what would happen to Ben more than myself. They said I had made the right choice, but I still felt bad for causing the trouble. One of the guys called Ashley for me so that she wouldn't be alarmed when she pulled in and there was a fire truck and ambulance in front of her apartment.
In the end, I only needed 3 stitches, not the 5 or 6 originally thought. Ben thinks they are cool. We also were able to get Ashley's apartment 90% unpacked before I headed back to Danville to pick up the girls. Ashley now has something to really tease me about and Ben has an interesting story.
I realized though, that I had been waiting for Ben to be "old enough" for me to explain what to do in an emergency. That was a mistake and it is a mistake that alarms me. The very thing I was fearing in the moment could have been a non issue if I had already taught him to use my phone and dial 911. He knows now.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Heartbreak and Hope
Sometimes the unexpected happens.
A few weeks ago my Dad told me he had given my phone number to one of mom's former students. He couldn't quite remember her name but he knew she had visited them, sent them cards at Christmas, and called them several times over the years. Odd, I thought that she would want to talk to me, but ok. He said he thought she probably wanted to ask how mom was doing.
Within a few days I discovered a message from a lady named Fern. She explained in the message that she really wanted me to contact her and that it was really important. She left her number.
Honestly, something seemed strange so I put off calling her for over a week. Then I decided I was acting childish and went ahead and returned her call. What happened next was unexpected and heartbreaking and I know it will stay with me for a long time to come.
The conversation started quite normally even though I could sense a nervousness in Fern's voice. She asked about Mom's health and how long they had been living with me. She talked about how she had visited my parents and kept up with them over the years. Then, she asked about my brother. She called him by name and said she remembered that they had adopted him when they lived in Russell Springs. I thought....oh no....what has he done now. He is a destructive force, but one of Mom's former students? I braced myself and about the time I started to say "What has he done now" out loud, the conversation totally changed gears. Fern said she had better tell me why she had called. She wanted to tell me her story.
Fern was the youngest of nine children and they grew up in Russell Springs, Kentucky. They were dirt poor, but her parents had done the best they could to take care of them. Her mother and father had both passed away young, so really Fern had taken care of herself. When she was fourteen she was raped by a family member and as a result became pregnant. This had happened in the spring of 1961 and she went on to explain that back then there weren't a lot of options for poor unwed mothers and so she kept the pregnancy to herself for as long as she could. That fall she began her freshman year at Russell Springs High School. This is where my mother came into the picture. Somehow my mother realized Fern was pregnant. Fern says from then on my Mom saved her. Mom encouraged her to stay in school and helped her realize she could give the child up for adoption. Mom introduced her to the social worker who ended up handling the adoption. Her baby, a boy, was born in December of 1961. I suddenly felt pain for this woman because I knew where the conversation was going next.
Fern explained that she had kept up with my parents and my brother over the years because she felt that Eric was her son. Now that she was getting on in years and my mother couldn't remember her anymore she wanted to talk to me about Eric. She thought Eric was her son.
I had a moment where I realized I could let Fern keep on thinking that Eric was her son to save her the heartache. I also realized just as quickly how wrong that would be...even if the truth was painful.
I stopped her story and gently explained that Eric was not hers. He had been born in April of 1962 in Ashland, Kentucky. I also explained to her that I had found Eric's mother several years ago and that she lives in Georgia. Suddenly it was very quiet on the other end of the phone. I didn't say anything. I just waited.
Finally she explained that the reason she had thought that Eric was hers all of these years was because after the social worker would see her at the school, she would often go to Mom's classroom to see Mom. She didn't know why at the time the social worker was visiting with my parents, but after the announcement of my brother's adoption came out, she had made the connection to her baby because of the social worker. It had never crossed her mind that it could be mere coincidence.
My heart broke for Fern. Can you imagine? All these years. I understood her story more than most would. I also knew from conversations with my birth mother, how painful the not knowing where I was or if I was safe had been for her over the years. Fern had spent the last 49 years following from a distance the life of a child she thought was hers. She had taken comfort in knowing he had a good home and more secure about her choice because of that.
I felt I had taken the wind out of her sails, but we talked for a bit longer. In the course of that conversation I told her about my own search for my birth mother and my search for Eric's birth mother. I told her if she wanted she could send me copies of all the information she had and I would see what I could do. I explained not to put a whole lot of hope in my efforts and that while finding Eric's had been quick, my search had taken 17 years.
I wasn't sure I would hear from her again, but a couple of days ago I got a rather large envelope in the mail from her. Inside were copies of everything she had about her son, whose name had been Leroy, including the letter she had written to him that was added to her state record many years ago in case he ever searched for her. There was also a very sweet note thanking me for the conversation even though it was difficult and for offering to help her.
I am not sure what I have gotten myself into or if I will have any luck at all. What I do know though, is that if there is the slightest chance I can help mend a stranger's broken heart, I have to try.
A few weeks ago my Dad told me he had given my phone number to one of mom's former students. He couldn't quite remember her name but he knew she had visited them, sent them cards at Christmas, and called them several times over the years. Odd, I thought that she would want to talk to me, but ok. He said he thought she probably wanted to ask how mom was doing.
Within a few days I discovered a message from a lady named Fern. She explained in the message that she really wanted me to contact her and that it was really important. She left her number.
Honestly, something seemed strange so I put off calling her for over a week. Then I decided I was acting childish and went ahead and returned her call. What happened next was unexpected and heartbreaking and I know it will stay with me for a long time to come.
The conversation started quite normally even though I could sense a nervousness in Fern's voice. She asked about Mom's health and how long they had been living with me. She talked about how she had visited my parents and kept up with them over the years. Then, she asked about my brother. She called him by name and said she remembered that they had adopted him when they lived in Russell Springs. I thought....oh no....what has he done now. He is a destructive force, but one of Mom's former students? I braced myself and about the time I started to say "What has he done now" out loud, the conversation totally changed gears. Fern said she had better tell me why she had called. She wanted to tell me her story.
Fern was the youngest of nine children and they grew up in Russell Springs, Kentucky. They were dirt poor, but her parents had done the best they could to take care of them. Her mother and father had both passed away young, so really Fern had taken care of herself. When she was fourteen she was raped by a family member and as a result became pregnant. This had happened in the spring of 1961 and she went on to explain that back then there weren't a lot of options for poor unwed mothers and so she kept the pregnancy to herself for as long as she could. That fall she began her freshman year at Russell Springs High School. This is where my mother came into the picture. Somehow my mother realized Fern was pregnant. Fern says from then on my Mom saved her. Mom encouraged her to stay in school and helped her realize she could give the child up for adoption. Mom introduced her to the social worker who ended up handling the adoption. Her baby, a boy, was born in December of 1961. I suddenly felt pain for this woman because I knew where the conversation was going next.
Fern explained that she had kept up with my parents and my brother over the years because she felt that Eric was her son. Now that she was getting on in years and my mother couldn't remember her anymore she wanted to talk to me about Eric. She thought Eric was her son.
I had a moment where I realized I could let Fern keep on thinking that Eric was her son to save her the heartache. I also realized just as quickly how wrong that would be...even if the truth was painful.
I stopped her story and gently explained that Eric was not hers. He had been born in April of 1962 in Ashland, Kentucky. I also explained to her that I had found Eric's mother several years ago and that she lives in Georgia. Suddenly it was very quiet on the other end of the phone. I didn't say anything. I just waited.
Finally she explained that the reason she had thought that Eric was hers all of these years was because after the social worker would see her at the school, she would often go to Mom's classroom to see Mom. She didn't know why at the time the social worker was visiting with my parents, but after the announcement of my brother's adoption came out, she had made the connection to her baby because of the social worker. It had never crossed her mind that it could be mere coincidence.
My heart broke for Fern. Can you imagine? All these years. I understood her story more than most would. I also knew from conversations with my birth mother, how painful the not knowing where I was or if I was safe had been for her over the years. Fern had spent the last 49 years following from a distance the life of a child she thought was hers. She had taken comfort in knowing he had a good home and more secure about her choice because of that.
I felt I had taken the wind out of her sails, but we talked for a bit longer. In the course of that conversation I told her about my own search for my birth mother and my search for Eric's birth mother. I told her if she wanted she could send me copies of all the information she had and I would see what I could do. I explained not to put a whole lot of hope in my efforts and that while finding Eric's had been quick, my search had taken 17 years.
I wasn't sure I would hear from her again, but a couple of days ago I got a rather large envelope in the mail from her. Inside were copies of everything she had about her son, whose name had been Leroy, including the letter she had written to him that was added to her state record many years ago in case he ever searched for her. There was also a very sweet note thanking me for the conversation even though it was difficult and for offering to help her.
I am not sure what I have gotten myself into or if I will have any luck at all. What I do know though, is that if there is the slightest chance I can help mend a stranger's broken heart, I have to try.
We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through.
--- Unknown
--- Unknown
Thursday, May 19, 2011
This and That
A few days ago I discovered that someone in my household downloaded a book to my Nook. This irritates me because there are very few...well maybe not any places in my house, that little hands don't find their way into. Of course leave it Jason to point out the obvious- I gave them my password. Ok, so it is my fault, but I was still irritated and was about to go wake the angels from their peaceful sleep to preach to them about respecting my stuff when I read the title of the book. "100 Quotes to Make You Think" by Wolfgang Riebe. Hum....these kids may know me better than I think! I guess I won't fuss at them after all.
Since I seem to have no theme to my blog, really just whatever randomness has popped into my head, I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes from this book.
-Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito!
-A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
-It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.
-When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. (THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE)
-I have learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
-Take twice as long to eat half as much.
-Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.
-Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Since I seem to have no theme to my blog, really just whatever randomness has popped into my head, I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes from this book.
-Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito!
-A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
-It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.
-When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. (THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE)
-I have learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
-Take twice as long to eat half as much.
-Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.
-Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Friday, May 6, 2011
When you know you know.....you know......understand?
This has been one of those weeks when I can't seem to get through a day without doing or saying something idiotic. A week when my mouth has often been ahead of my brain. All week I had been wondering what was wrong....hormonal imbalance, wrong phase of the moon. I needed an excuse for my stupidity.
Thursday, I had almost made it through the entire day without making a fool of myself. Almost. In fact I got a lot accomplished early in the day because I knew my afternoon would be full taking the girls for camp and 6th grade physicals. The visit started out as nothing unusual...sign in, make sure nothing has changed with insurance then have a seat in the waiting room. We didn't even have to wait but a minute or two which was a relief. Then it all went downhill.
I knew already that since Brooke was there for her 6th grade physical she would be needing shots. Anna was going to have a 4-H camp physical and she would not need shots. The first thing the nurse said to me was that since they didn't have Brooke's shot records there at the office, they wouldn't be able to fill out her immunization record today. WHAT? Maybe I heard her incorrectly. She said that the first time they had been to that office was in 2008. I said that couldn't be accurate. She said they had looked for the records and there weren't any before that time and there wasn't an immunization certificate for either girl. She even said to me that they don't keep hard copies of doctor visit records. That they only keep important things like shot records. I suddenly felt quite unnerved. These are my children's medical histories that have traveled with them through the years. I depend on knowing where those records are in case they are ever needed and suddenly I didn't know where they were. What did she mean "they don't keep them"?
When you know you know something is true and someone is telling you it isn't, it is a frustrating feeling. To make it worse they were truly acting like I was crazy. I wasn't rude at all, but I was insistent that the records were there. They did find records for Ben and Ashley going back to early 2006. Yet, when I said that Brooke and Anna's records were there also because it wouldn't make sense that I would bring my oldest and youngest child, but not the 2 in the middle, they gave me a look like they truly pitied my stupidity.
They said they would go downstairs and look one more time. They didn't find the records, but they did bring up Ben's immunization record so they could show me that he had his first shots in Richmond (we lived in Richmond until October of 2005) and maybe that is where the missing records were. At this point I just gave up and said maybe they were right. I apologized that I couldn't remember things correctly and for asking them to look again for the records. Perfect. Another day this week when I am feeling like a fool. I spend a lot of time around someone with dementia...starting to know how she feels.
I went home and tried to put it out of my head but I couldn't. Then it dawned on me that the best place to figure this out was the billing department of the doctor's office. Billing departments never lose any paperwork.
So this morning I gave them a call and explained the situation as succinctly as possible. Took less than a minute for her to tell me that the first time Brooke had been seen in their office was January 2006. In fact all of my kids were seen there in 2006. Thank you....I am not crazy after all. She also said she would have them check again for their records and call me back if she found them. Would you believe when she called me back she said the records were right where they should have been for both girls. They weren't even out of alphabetical order. Oh, and in that folder of records.....IMMUNIZATION CERTIFICATES and the form I had filled out in 2006 requesting records from Richmond be sent to Danville. I have decided there must be two basements and the nurse from Thursday night had gone to the wrong one.
When you know you know something......you know it....period. Oh, and finding out today that I didn't make a fool out of myself after all helped me make it through the rest of my Friday craziness free.
Thursday, I had almost made it through the entire day without making a fool of myself. Almost. In fact I got a lot accomplished early in the day because I knew my afternoon would be full taking the girls for camp and 6th grade physicals. The visit started out as nothing unusual...sign in, make sure nothing has changed with insurance then have a seat in the waiting room. We didn't even have to wait but a minute or two which was a relief. Then it all went downhill.
I knew already that since Brooke was there for her 6th grade physical she would be needing shots. Anna was going to have a 4-H camp physical and she would not need shots. The first thing the nurse said to me was that since they didn't have Brooke's shot records there at the office, they wouldn't be able to fill out her immunization record today. WHAT? Maybe I heard her incorrectly. She said that the first time they had been to that office was in 2008. I said that couldn't be accurate. She said they had looked for the records and there weren't any before that time and there wasn't an immunization certificate for either girl. She even said to me that they don't keep hard copies of doctor visit records. That they only keep important things like shot records. I suddenly felt quite unnerved. These are my children's medical histories that have traveled with them through the years. I depend on knowing where those records are in case they are ever needed and suddenly I didn't know where they were. What did she mean "they don't keep them"?
When you know you know something is true and someone is telling you it isn't, it is a frustrating feeling. To make it worse they were truly acting like I was crazy. I wasn't rude at all, but I was insistent that the records were there. They did find records for Ben and Ashley going back to early 2006. Yet, when I said that Brooke and Anna's records were there also because it wouldn't make sense that I would bring my oldest and youngest child, but not the 2 in the middle, they gave me a look like they truly pitied my stupidity.
They said they would go downstairs and look one more time. They didn't find the records, but they did bring up Ben's immunization record so they could show me that he had his first shots in Richmond (we lived in Richmond until October of 2005) and maybe that is where the missing records were. At this point I just gave up and said maybe they were right. I apologized that I couldn't remember things correctly and for asking them to look again for the records. Perfect. Another day this week when I am feeling like a fool. I spend a lot of time around someone with dementia...starting to know how she feels.
I went home and tried to put it out of my head but I couldn't. Then it dawned on me that the best place to figure this out was the billing department of the doctor's office. Billing departments never lose any paperwork.
So this morning I gave them a call and explained the situation as succinctly as possible. Took less than a minute for her to tell me that the first time Brooke had been seen in their office was January 2006. In fact all of my kids were seen there in 2006. Thank you....I am not crazy after all. She also said she would have them check again for their records and call me back if she found them. Would you believe when she called me back she said the records were right where they should have been for both girls. They weren't even out of alphabetical order. Oh, and in that folder of records.....IMMUNIZATION CERTIFICATES and the form I had filled out in 2006 requesting records from Richmond be sent to Danville. I have decided there must be two basements and the nurse from Thursday night had gone to the wrong one.
When you know you know something......you know it....period. Oh, and finding out today that I didn't make a fool out of myself after all helped me make it through the rest of my Friday craziness free.
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