Letting Go

On Facebook this morning a friend had a post about "letting go" and forgiveness.  Of course I had to give my 2 cents and qoute Oprah..."Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed."

I love this qoute.  I do believe many times when we hold on to the past we are mourning a loss.  Over the past year I have found myself thinking about loss and forgiveness quite a bit and it has been a real growth experience. I have worked not only on forgiving others, but on forgiving myself....perhaps the hardest thing to do. 

In early December I had an "Ah ha" moment that was so monumental for me I had to call my friend Dana right then.  I proclaimed to Dana that I could finally move on with my mother.  It was over.  She sounded skeptical and rightfully so.  After all, this whole forgiveness thing is really difficult and she knew the history with Mom. 

When Dad and I decided in October to bring my Mom home from the nursing home, I told him that I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do.  He had adjusted well to living with my family, but she really doesn't like small children and although they would have their own space downstairs, it would be difficult to keep three children quiet to the level she might need.  The other problem, which I didn't share with Dad was that I wasn't sure I could stand to live with her.  She and I have had a contentious relationship most of my life.  Although there have been many problems over the years, the main problem without going into it a whole lot, is that she had covered up my brother's sexual abuse of me.  She had protected him and made me feel at fault. So there isn't an emotional connection that a lot of people have with their mothers.  I knew Dad wanted this though.  He missed her and I couldn't really blame him.  57 years is a long time together.  So she came home.  Jason, me, 3 kids, 2 cats, a dog, and my parents.  Oh my!

For the first month, it was probably as bad as I thought it would be.  She yelled at me, hit me a few times....even in her dementia, she was still mom.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do this.  At the same time I had pneumonia and was really struggling with everything.  We were all adjusting and I would just have to give it more time.  I did talk to Dad though...he acted like he hadn't noticed a problem.  I told him I would keep trying.  I could feel my anger and resentment though and poor Jason, as usual got the brunt of my frustration.  He wondered why I had done this in the first place. 

We went along like this for about a month.  I read a lot about other caregivers in similar sutuations and took some of their advice about scheduling, being stern without being mean.  Still it was difficult because I was dealing with all of those "mom" issues. I never knew when I went to change her or get her to supper or bed if she would be nice and cooperative or we would have problems. 

Then came that night in December that changed everything for me.  I was putting her to bed and we were talking about this and that.  Out of the blue she asked me if I was from Russell Springs too.  I just looked at her and asked her if she knew who I was.  I don't remember who she thought I was, but the important thing was that she didn't know I was Laura.  I continued with the conversation and asked her if she had any children.  She remembered that she had a son but when I told her who I was, she didn't remember me.  Now some people may think this is horrible.  I suppose on some level it probably is, but in my case, it was the opposite.  

I WAS FREE.  In that moment, a 33 year battle was over.   Of course this isn't how I dreamed it would end.  I had envisioned a moment when Mom would look at me and say I am sorry I didn't protect you the way a mother should.  It ended without any of that.  I would never have that.  But in that moment, it was just like Oprah's qoute.  "Forgiveness is the letting go of the hope that the past can be changed." 

There are many blessings in this.  The best one being that this occurred at all.  If my mother had died before this happened, I would have carried it for another 30 years.  Now I can tell jokes and laugh with her.  It isn't so tense.  I can more freely make sure that these last years are spent with the dignity and compassion that any human being deserves.  She told me this morning when I was getting her dressed how thankful she was to be there and have me there to help her and talk to her.  About 10% of the time she knows who I am so I asked her if she knew who I was.  She said, "Why yes, you are the girl who takes care of me everyday".  I responded by saying, "That's right.  That's exactly who I am." 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSWcVUbjTk4&feature=fvsr