Anger

Yesterday was one of "those" days.  It started with a phone call from my former sister-in-law.  She was letting me know that my brother was up to no good again.  This was at 6:45 AM.  By 9 I was headed across town with a friend and "bodyguard" in tow to check on the house my brother lives in, but my father owns.  I went without Dad's knowledge to check out damage that I had been told about and to see if my brother had abandoned the house.  I had grabbed the wrong keys, so I was only able to look in windows and go into the garage.  I knew he wasn't there, but it still made me nervous.   I am always in this terrible position of being given information and then having to inform my dad.  It has been this way for years.  When he stole dad's social security number 3 years ago and ran up $17,000 in debt in 3 months, I was the one who had to tell my dad.  When he traded the 3rd car my dad had given him in 2 years for drugs, I had to tell my dad. So, needless to say, I spent most of the morning sick to my stomach and angry at myself that after all these years of dealing with a sociopath, it can still have this kind of effect. So yesterday I had to tell Dad that there are several holes in the walls of the house, the carpet has been destroyed by dogs, and the best one.....Eric ran into an interior wall in the garage with his car and has caused structural damage to the house.  The wall in the living room is now buckled. Great. Good morning Dad, hope you are enjoying your Cheerios. 

We actually haven't heard from my brother in about 7 weeks.  Dad says it was Feb. 1st.  He knows this because he wrote Eric a check for $50 that day and said it would be the last one. He hasn't said a lot about this lack of contact, in fact I think it has been a break for him.  He scares my Dad and he is just starting to open up about those fears.  Not seeing him has been a good thing. There are still daily phone calls to my dad's number--debt collectors looking for Eric, but my dad has fallen into a routine of not answering or hanging up on them.  If I happen to take the calls, my approach is different.  I tell them Eric is a criminal and they need to quit disrupting my 92 year old father's life everyday.  I am not nice about it, but by the time I finish they usually agree to take Dad's number off their calling list.  This works for all callers except the Sprint collection people.  We can't get rid of that call because my brother took the phone out using Dad's social.  As far as they are concerned it is Dad's bill. 

So why am I writing and sharing this now?  Well, I have always talked too much, but more than that I am angry.  I am angry that once again I allowed a day to be lost to his craziness. I am angry that my Dad needs me to help him handle things because he has gotten too old to do it on his own. I am angry that he has hurt so many in his 49 years.  I am angry that he took "normal" away from so many and continues to do so.  It hurts.  It hurts to know the irreparable damage he has done to his children, to 2 wives and their families, my parents, and me.  He has robbed us all of those extended family moments--Christmas, Thanksgiving....all of it.  He has robbed children of normal childhoods.  I hate addicts.  That is a strong word, but it is how I feel.  I think unless you have lived it as we have, that may seem heartless.  I see stories of addiction on TV and sometimes I feel sad for them, but not for long.  We all have choices and some of them are very difficult.  Addicts take the easy way out and then blame everyone else.  In our case, we are dealing with more than just addiction because he is truly a sociopath, but addiction is a big part of the picture.  

So today, we will do what most addict's families do.  We will tell ourselves this is a new day.  We will pretend that everything is normal and take a break from discussing the elephant that is always in the room.  There will be jokes, discussions about gardening, and the daily critique of my evening meal. There is a UK game tonight and we never miss those.  I also have a friend coming to visit that I haven't seen in a while and I am excited about the visit. This is our normal.  For today at least, God will grant us the serenity to accept the things we can't change and change those that we can.  Maybe tomorrow we can discuss how to get one step closer to getting the elephant out of the house.